On Being a Right-Wing Grandfather



Photo of a nobama baby – maybe – doesn’t matter

My wife and I recently baby-sat for our new, gorgeous,15 day-old, granddaughter. Word immediately spread throughout the Tea Party world, that not only was it 40 years since we had last changed a diaper, but that our son, the brilliant, educated, successful, fabulous father of this beautiful baby girl, had voted for Barack Obama! And twice, no less!

On hearing the news, Tea Party groups around the country, jumped into action and rallied to our side, offering their expected congratulations on our newest addition, as well as their condolences for our son’s irrational voting behavior.

1- We want to thank the Tea Party member from Buffalo who assured us that our son’s liberal tendencies were only a temporary stage that many 40-year olds go through, especially those  who are born and raised in Great Neck. Remember, even Ronald Reagan was originally a Democrat!

2- We also want to thank the Conservative Party member from Queens, who suggested that we use this opportunity to whisper the name “Clint Eastwood”, into our granddaughter’s ear, hoping that the first word out of her mouth would be “Clint”. Sorry! But its an Interesting concept anyway.

3- To the gun advocate from New Jersey, who suggested that we place an NRA tattoo on her ankle while her parents were out having dinner, we decided that she was not yet old enough to make such a strong second-amendment statement. Thanks anyway, but we decided to wait until  she starts kindergarten instead.

4- Thanks go to all those Suffolk County Republicans who graciously sent us some much-needed diapering instruction. We were really relieved that other members on our side of the aisle, had that same “slight” problem of not knowing for sure where to place the pacifier and the diaper. Remarkably, a Syosset member immediately knew that the pacifier goes into the baby’s mouth and the diaper is placed at the other end! You were absolutely correct and my wife insists that I apologize for doubting you.

The night was a resounding success due to the fact that my son and daughter-in-law had planned for any contingency.

1- Hiring an off duty undercover police officer was a brilliant idea. He sat unobtrusively in the living room just “keeping an eye on us”. Since NYC’s  “stop and frisk” law was just overturned, thanks to Democratic mayoral candidate, Christine Quinn, he now had plenty of time to “stake us out”. Furthermore, since the ACLU pressured the liberal courts into banning “profiling”, things have really changed. Being a 71 year old old retired Jewish dentist from Great Neck, I was never considered a  prime suspect in any terrorist investigation. But now, since they are not permitted to rule out any group, I certainly am included on every  list. Thanks ACLU. My granddaughter is so much safer now.

2- Two pediatricians were stationed in the kitchen just in case the baby’s right-wing grandparents actually caused any medical harm. The two-bedroom apartment became a little cramped, but my son and his wife felt so much better knowing that these two liberal NYU Pediatricians were there. However, both doctors spent the entire night reading “Cat In the Hat” to each other, listening to Jay-Z and watching old Sean Penn movies. I told you ObamaCare was not turning out as well as Obama said it would.

3- Since there was no more room In the apartment, agents from the Bureau of Child Welfare, had to sit in the lobby. Barack and Michelle had personally told them that we routinely listened to Rush Limbaugh and had Pro-Life tendencies. These agents explained to my son that their bureau had very little experience with children being watched by their grandparents. According to their federal guidelines, this is not a healthy situation at all. Leaving  the child in a government-run, early childhood center was much better for the baby and did create a lot of government jobs.

4- I was so proud that my son bravely ignored Harry Reid and the other 51 Democratic Senators who had voted to rescind his babysitting offer. It was particularly meaningful, since this vote occurred during the Senate’s two month summer vacation, and many had to return from the south of France, just to get the needed votes. Barack assured them however, that he had the power to do it without their consent. It just looked better coming from them.

5- My son’s law degree came in handy, as he successfully fought the baby’s “Order Of Protection”, taken out by both our Senators, Schumer and Gillibrand, who felt that Conservative grandparents, unlike Democrats Anthony Weiner and Elliot Spitzer ,were a threat to the next generation. We were really thrilled that it was overturned, because it would have been quite difficult for us to change the baby’s diaper and, at the same time, stand more than the 100 feet from their apartment that the “Order of Protection” required.

6- My son was very concerned with the full page ad in the NY Times, signed by every Liberal in Great Neck and Roslyn, which demanded that the owner of their building should not allow us access, However, I assured my son that this was not a very serious threat because no one reads the New York Times anyway.

7- We did notice that the telephones in their apartment made a strange sound. Since Obama  has been monitoring Tea Party emails and telephone calls for years, I want to assure every conservative group member that your anonymity was still maintained. We were so busy with the baby, that making our usual subversive phone calls were out of the question. Our contingency plan was to make them all when we got home, but being in our 70’s, the two hours with the baby just exhausted us, and we immediately fell asleep. We hope to catch up over the weekend and we promise to use our “safe ” phone.

For those of you who doubt the sanctity of every life, and the presence of God in every child, we urge you to hold a newborn infant and look into her eyes! That night, my life was changed forever.

We will always love and adore my granddaughter, even if she votes like her father, and doesn’t clean her room.

Hope all is well.
Vote early and often!!!

Don’t forget: family pictures are still available at the same discounted price, However, any Democratic politician, currently serving time in prison, will receive a complimentary photo album.