Barack & Biden’s, Tuesday “Kiev Conversation”



Obama golfing on the well-watered golf course in drought-plagued California

Barack: “Hello.”

Biden: “Barack, it’s me, Joe….Joe Biden”.

Barack: “Hey Joe. How’s it going?”.

Biden: “Geez Mr. President, have you seen what’s going on over in the Ukraine? Kiev, the capital, is up in flames. Lots of people killed and hundreds wounded.”

Barack: “Joe, I’m in the middle of a terrific round out here. These lush, green courses are a golfer’s utopia. Glad California could (chuckle) spare the water.

Biden: “I tell you where they could use water Mr. President. They could use it in Kiev. Looks like the whole city is glowing. Looks like the Gone With the Wind scene where Atlanta is burning to the ground.”

Barack: “Fore! Fore! Watch out! What’d you say Joe? Atlanta’s on fire? How the hell could that happen. Isn’t it still covered in snow?”

Biden: “No Barack. Atlanta’s fine. Kiev is burning. What are you going to do?”

Barack: “I’m going to keep playing golf. I got some (chuckle) vacation time coming. I’m gonna have you and Kerry handle this. Do it right and it will be a foreign policy feather in your cap for 2016. Look at it as an opportunity.”

Biden: “Kerry??!! Has he done anything right since you made him Secretary of State? Sometimes I think you did that so people would forget what a disaster Hillary was. Having people forget her mess isn’t helping me in 2016.”

Barack: “Take it easy Joseph. Ya know I think the world of you. We’ll just have you and John release some generic statements coming from “The Obama Administration.”

Biden: “What’d ya have in mind?”

Barack: “Give Yanukovych a call and express your concerns.”

Biden: “Who?”

Barack: “Ukraine President, Viktor Yankovych. Give him a ring and urge him to talk immediately with opposition leaders to address protesters’ legitimate grievances and to put forward serious proposals for political reform. Tell him we want a peaceful resolution. You know. Blah, blah, blah. We’ll have Kerry back you up. He should at least be able to manage that.”

Biden: “OK chief. I got it. But aren’t you worried (chuckle) about the media getting on your case for being hands off? Geez, you know the whole Benghazi dust up and talk of 3 AM phone calls. After all….this could be you making a 3 PM phone call. Easy breezy. Just looking out for you.”

Barack: “Thanks Joe, but, (chuckling) if the media, except for Fox, hasn’t dogged me about the IRS, NSA, and four dead Americans in Libya, they’re not gonna bother me about a body count in the Ukraine.”

Biden: “I guess not, but Angela Merkel has started to weigh in, and I’m thinking even your buddies in the press are getting a little nervous about you playing golf and appearing uninterested in all this. There’s some whispering going on. What are you going to do?

Barack: “I’m going to finish my golf-get-away Joe, and then fly to Mexico. I’ll have our in-house photographer take some pics of me on the plane, looking serious and holding some briefing papers, or maybe even on the phone. They’ll be a press conference when I get to Mexico so I’ll make a couple strong statements about the “crisis”. You know, the usual stuff. We condemn in strongest terms the violence. We’re working with our European partners. We going to be watching very closely looking to see if the Ukrainian government is showing restraint. I’ll show a little balance by saying the U.S. will engage all sides in the dispute. Blah. Blah. Blah.”

Biden: “OK. That seems like a good plan.”

Barack: “Actually it’s a great plan! If things get better over there we’ll remind everyone about my strong comments in Mexico and release those Air Force 1 photos of me looking in command. Remember how it worked when I (laughter) got Bin Laden?

Biden: “But what if it all goes into the crapper over there Mr. President?”

Obama: “I got it covered. Kerry’s headed over there. If it all goes into the crapper my peeps in the media (chuckle) will blame the Secretary of State. Remember how it worked in Benghazi? Gotta go Joe. Getting ready to play the back nine.”