Ode to the Brussel Sprout


sad life of a brussel sprout


Ode to the Brussel Sprout

Oh little brussel sprout

Growing so bright and green in the warm sun

May you die a peaceful death from old age

without ever touching my lips

Dell Hill wrote the previous article about PETA’s drive to limit the violence against fish but who is speaking up for vegetables? Especially the brussel sprout – who speaks for it? I’ve felt an attachment to it since my mother made me sit for hours at the dinner table, demanding I not leave until I ate every last one of my sprouts.  I must have known even then that it was a sentient being.

The next passages in blue are true!

Fortunately, studies are being conducted at university psych departments with taxpayer money and they have discovered that veggies are feeling, communicative beings:

[Collegian.psu.edu] Researchers from Michigan State University have discovered that plants have a rudimentary nerve structure, which allows them to feel pain. According to the peer-reviewed journal Plant Physiology, plants are capable of identifying danger, signaling that danger to other plants and marshaling defenses against perceived threats. According to botanist Bill Williams of the Helvetica Institute, “plants not only seem to be aware and to feel pain, they can even communicate.”

The Swiss, quite brilliantly, have passed the first “Plant Bill of Rights.” It gives plants moral and legal protections, demanding they be treated appropriately.

In April, 2008, a panel of Swiss ethicists, philosophers, lawyers, theologians came up with a 22-page treatise on “the moral consideration of plants for their own sake.” It stated that vegetation has an inherent value and that it is immoral to arbitrarily harm plants by, say, “decapitation of wildflowers at the roadside without rational reason.” [I think this means you can’t smoke marijuana]

Prior to this, the Swiss had protections for all living creatures in their Constitution but not specifically for plants, which is why they needed this “Plant Bill of Rights.”

Researchers can no longer just trample on the rights of plants, taking away their self-respect and causing them undue pain. I know I’ve done my best to leave vegetables alone.

I think of the brussel sprout crying out in pain as it is thrown into boiling water, i.e. being water boarded, and it makes me sad. Chopping them up is even more dastardly. Don’t put salt on them either, it might burn their foliage.

Only a savage would eat meat, fish or vegetables – it’s a cruel act of violence.

That leaves chocolate-covered roaches. Oh, no, what am I saying, they are creatures too.

I guess it leaves rocks. Let them eat rocks! But not anyone’s pet rock of course.



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