Some of you Long Islanders can claim to have better schools, Some may have more parks or beaches. A few may even have better quality restaurants. But I bet any of you Five Towns’ residents or even those living in the Hamptons, that we have something that you definitely don’t have.
We have two, count them, two, full-service post offices on Willis Ave, both within walking distance of each other. That’s right, two of them!
Well, if you’re not in such great shape, maybe a one minute car-ride!
How great is that?
Personalized service! We know the clerks by name! No long lines at either one. But, come to think of it, there are no lines at all!
My neighborhood has MORE Post Offices than we have Starbucks!!
But wait a minute. The last time I walked into either one of them, was 3 months ago! And that was because we had our mail held during a vacation.
We all know the reasons. I am in my seventies and I even use email, texts and the Internet instead of those stamped envelopes. Shopping? Paying bills? All done from my home!
The Post Office is broke! Got it? They’re broke! Or should I say, “we’re broke,” since the American taxpayer actually “owns” the Post Office.
“Our” Post Office is losing $25 million dollars a day!
Did you hear me? The post office is losing a whopping $25 million dollars each DAY!!
So what brilliant remedies did our Washington bureaucrats come up with this time to save it?
Last week they jumped into action and informed us of three exciting and innovative solutions:
1 – They are canceling the sponsorship of Lance Armstrong’s U.S. Post Office cycling team and are suing him. Hello! What took them so long? Is our top legal team working pro bono? Of course not!
Between 1996-2004, they (we) paid this 7-time Tour de France cycling champion and his team, $42.4 million taxpayer dollars, Fifteen years later, they finally figured out that he is a liar, a fraud and a national disgrace! What took you so long, Attorney General Holder?
2 – In a few months, there will be no more Saturday mail delivery! Way to go! Now more of us will use UPS and FedEx on weekends! Brilliant!
And finally, please get the name of the idiot who thought this one up. And if you do not believe me, please google it.
3- What do you think our government-run Post Office has decided to do in order to reestablish contact with the younger generation? They are going into the clothing business! Do you believe that?
The CEO of the Gap is heavily sedated. The Board of Directors at Prada are all hysterical. Ralph Lauren has not been seen for weeks! How can they possibly cope with this competition? Isn’t this hard to believe?
Our Post Office is producing a line of clothing and accessories (what good is clothing without accessories?) and they plan on selling them in department and specialty stores. It is called the “Rain, Heat, and Snow” line of clothing.
Shares of Michael Kors, Louis Vuitton and Chanel are crashing! You just can’t make this stuff up. Maybe it should be renamed the “over-staffed, inefficient, and broke” line of clothing.
I have a great idea! Now that they have truly turned the Post Office around, why don’t we put Washington in charge of :
1 – The student loan program
2 – Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac
4 – The automobile industry
5 – Social Security
6 – Cash for clinkers
7 – Food stamps,
8 – Unemployment benefits.
9 – The banks. and
10 – Our schools
Oh, I forgot! They already are!
“The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, “I’m from the government and I’m here to help.”
~ Ronald Reagan, 1986